Pregnancy Reflections
For my blog entry this week I have decided to share a collection of reflections on my pregnancy journey thus far. If you missed it, I announced on Instagram last week that my husband Aaron and I are expecting a baby girl early next year. You can see that post here. I have decided to write this post for a couple of reasons. The first is to use one place to answer questions that have showed up in my DMs already. I know that so many are excited with us and curious! The second is that I have recently been reminded of how our stories are not our own but God’s to use. While I have become a much more private version of myself online lately, there are delights and frustrations I have experienced in this season that someone may benefit from hearing. I hope my honesty can help an amiga feel less alone in her pregnancy experiences, serve as a heads up for future mothers-to-be, or even provide a lesson for someone that can make them an even better amiga to a pregnant person in the future.
About miscarriage and infertility
There is something that has been on my mind to share about for a few weeks now. It has to do with getting pregnant after a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage in May of 2022 and have shared about it publicly a couple of times. Please read/hear what I say next from me as an amiga who wants to add understanding and clarity to this conversation to help us all to be the best amigas we can be after someone we love experiences a miscarriage.
Having a miscarriage does not automatically put a woman into the category of infertility journey. I think this is important to understand. As the internet increases the visibility of stories of miscarriage, infertility, and even treatment, I have seen that people tend to assume and group all of these stories together into one narrative. I learned after my own miscarriage just how common it is to experience, that the body terminates pregnancies that may have developed incorrectly as way to protect you. I learned that it is estimated that almost 80% or more women who have miscarriages will go on to have healthy pregnancies afterward. So while I did experience tremendous grief for that loss, my doctor and I were hopeful that I would be able to get pregnant later and be able to have a healthy experience.
But what I did notice was after sharing my experience with miscarriage publicly, I received lots of responses from women that included prayers and stories that scared me and it seemed that most assumed that because I had had a miscarriage that I was afraid that I would not one day become a mother. They grouped my story in with that of a woman who suffered on an infertility journey and at moments I doubted my own confidence that my outcome could be different. Even after beginning to tell closer friends about my current pregnancy I was met with some hesitation to celebrate, waiting it seemed, to see if this would end in loss as well. I received a number of questions that gave me the impression that others were worried for me. And while I didn’t meet this pregnancy with a lot of worry, it was jarring for me to realize how many people’s expectations were not as hopeful as mine.
Hear me, I have been, even before my first pregnancy, immensely blessed by women who have vulnerably shared their struggles getting pregnant, what they have learned about faith, and in some cases celebrating their babies born after years of waiting and intervention. But I will caution us all to not assume someone’s miscarriage equals the beginning of an infertility journey and to not project our fears for them or assumptions about their feelings onto them. By doing that we may invite them to question their own confidence or hope. I encourage us all to review any ‘encouragement’ we plan to send to check if any assumptions are present and if the way we phrase our prayers may be inciting fear or doubt unnecessarily.
Signs, surprises, and delights
Finding out I was pregnant was a surprise for a couple of reasons, one being that I learned that not all women ovulate during the same time of their cycle, i.e. me! Aaron and I had been wanting to get pregnant for a few months before it happened. I had been taking ovulation tests for a couple of months and they were always negative but I felt and recognized the signs of ovulation. I have since realized that because I have shorter cycle, I was taking the tests a week later than they would have actually been positive. I was sure that we missed the window in May but turns out the window was open sooner than we’d thought. The second surprise was the day I actually took the test. Normally the reason a woman tests is because of a late or missed period or in TV and movies, because she threw up unexpectedly. In my case, neither was the reason I took the test.
Aaron and I had gone for a walk on the trail near home. We walk it often in the nice weather and one of our favorite things about it is seeing pretty birds! There are a lot of cardinals where we live and we get a kick out of seeing the pretty red birds every time. But every once in a great while we get a bigger thrill and see a blue jay. They are gorgeous and pretty big! But they are illusive. Last Summer, the day my miscarriage was confirmed we decided to go for a walk. I didn’t want to spend the day crying on the couch and the weather was beautiful.
On that walk, we saw a blue jay. While they are usually fast and you only get a glimpse, it landed on the ground only a couple yards ahead of me and kept hopping ahead as we walked like it was leading. I turned to Aaron in awe of how the blue jay was acting and he was stopped behind me in tears. I went up to hug him and he told me that as we were getting ready to leave home for the walk, he prayed asking God to give him a sign that we’d have a child one day, he asked that we’d see a blue jay. I started to cry too.
Now fast forward to this June 1st. It was a gorgeous afternoon for a walk. We saw a couple of cardinals like we usually do. Sadly, it had been almost a year since we’d seen a blue jay. They have cut down a lot of the lush trees over the last year along the trail and it has scattered so much wildlife. But half way through our walk, we saw a blue jay. And then another. And then another! I felt a little crazy for thinking it but I thought, God, is this a sign too? We got back home and I took a pregnancy test in secret. It was the faintest line! So in my doubt, I waited till morning to test again before telling Aaron. And at 5:00 AM (I was too excited to keep sleeping) I got a real line. I got back into bed and stared at Aaron till he woke up, startled, haha. I told him. It was so sweet.
I have been asked if we have people’s reactions recorded but, no. I don’t have much interest in making content out of my private moments. It has been sweet to tell and cry and text and rejoice and Facetime and hug with our people without the pressure to look at all presentable while its happening because we are being recorded, ha! That look on Aaron’s face in bed when I told him at like 5:00 AM, that look is just mine to remember, and I am happy about that.
Can I list some things that have just been pure delights for me?
Looking over at Aaron during doctors appointments. I am in awe that he is going to be a dad and that we are in this stage of our forever!
I traveled a lot during my first trimester which meant getting to tell some of my most special friends in person. As someone who lives far from all of my loved ones, this was a gift. Two days after the positive test I was on a plane to Cali for our LLJ Leadership Retreat and was able to celebrate with Ivette and Lydia right away. It was a gift.
Telling our families. It was so special every call we made. But specifically, the call with Aaron’s oldest brother and our sister-in-law, Millie. She was instantly in tears and said, “I won’t say finally because we believe in God’s timing… I will say that I love that you guys have spent so much time just the two of you, traveling and getting to know each other. You are so ready to do this and are going to love this season.” I felt so seen in that encouragement. We will complete 6 years of marriage before our daughter arrives and I am grateful for every minute that we have intentionally loved just each other.
Finding out that baby Rivera is a girl. I mean, our dream girl! We have been talking about our girl for years -- always talking about our future family as girl-parents. So actually getting the results, it feels like we have known her for so long!
And pure delight, praying over her together. My goodness IDK that any prayer has ever felt more sacred. What a gift.
Amiga, I am so honored to celebrate this season with you all. Baby girl is going to be born into a community of internet-tias (you), how special! Thank you for your messages and prayers. You all have taught me about the holy value of a community of women and I am so blessed to get to add a baby-woman to that community.
Blessings,
Ari
